the secret letter

you were beautiful
the darkness in your soul made me quiver
i longed to know the real you
for some reason you were playing the role of satans friend
until much later i realized your heart was spun with shards of love

you poured wax over my face
it burnt like hell and i screamed and cried
this torture chamber wasn’t at all what it seemed
it wasn’t long before it was time to leave

later quietly you tapped me on the shoulder
and whispered “starla…”
i came near
your hair dark and beautiful
your eyes dark but not in colour, they remain unclear to me; a translucent effect
your skin pale.. you were pure beauty
you passed me a note and it was written with red ink with the words “STARLA” in large letters
with stars all around it
something to be kept quite and a quick-hurry-hide it with a kiss from your lips goodbye

away from all of this i opened it,
you told me the most beautiful things
it wasn’t you that had to hurt me and i knew that when it happened
you came to me from far away and you loved me pure

i loved the secret and the connection, the lust, the thrill
the off camera love scene

i would see you again.
<3

softly.

In so many tears

not enough words to describe

the distance I’ve found in our hearts

no eye to eye

to give me the chance to say i love you and burn it into your soul

an escape plan I left back at home, years ago

I miss the silence of the pitter patter inside

the gold traces linger

sinister mind

creatures above us, still waiting to find

a willingness lets go, a new baby’s cry

failing to see the truth that you hide

open wounded I crawl inside your arms

never let go, feeling cold, feeling numb

what i wouldn’t give to feel the sensation all over again

tea stained lips beg to differ and the night closes in

grab a pillow, squeeze it tight and let the seeking begin.

 

I’ve been spending time trying to figure out what it is in my life i need to focus on the most. Working things out in my real journal, that kind of thing.

There are things that i want/need to achieve which obviously wont get done unless i do them. The one thing that is very important is that i keep helping myself with my depression and staying away from things that screw it up like alcohol. It does nothing good for me and i know this, therefore it is unimportant.

I want to lose weight, i don’t know how many times i’ve said this but there must be some way i can get proper exercise and still manage to eat healthy without stressing myself out. it really isn’t as hard as i make it. Eating HEALTHY is a big one…i let myself slip too much and there is no room for that.

Things i want to work on:

Happiness,being sober,veganism,eva,my relationship with j,health/fitness,yoga?some kind of workout,making friends*,possibly counseling,new creative direction??,saving money and maybe picking up a 2nd job so i do not have so much time on my hands…fill it with happy things.

So basically this is direct stuff out of my IRL journal. But with determination i dont see why i cant achieve any of these things.

x Star

 

My art in POSTER form!

BUY POSTERS OF MY ART! http://starlove.bigcartel.com/

Self

the town is desolate
my mind is full of hate
unanswered questions start streaming in
like childhood ghosts of now and has been

memories fade
my heart remains in the same place
sometimes looking to escape
other times want’s to self hate
the harm inside my own fate
wishing to let go of this place

eyes open wide and mouth sewn shut
this feeling of alone thrusts in my gut
memories fade and come back into light
it starts heavy, especially at night

cross the lines at the wrong speed
this time it’s taken a back seat
i can’t be a victim my whole life
stab wounds heal
my soul thicker than sheep’s wool
painting stars across my eyes
wondering how to paint a new disguise
happiness isn’t what you experience
happiness is what happens next
the results
the facts
the truth
its a pact

keep on wondering where i lost my self
i think she may be hiding in heart beats and bones
somewhere in there building up into stone
i sweep her back up and create a shell so strong
made of gold and stars and all those things from mars
place her there where she can care
remain yourself and don’t let yourself crack
no matter how much we know this world is wrecked
no amount of money will make your soul grin
but i know the key is what’s within
i keep her safe and relate to her because she is my own
you find yourself realizing YOU are your home

right in the center
brought together
X cross it with double care
and always remember, she is there.

(c)Starla

(photo Kevin Llewellyn)

emotional drainage?

because i don’t feel like re writing everything right now about how i am feeling, i can post my reply to a friend which is what i would say only it wouldn’t be in reply form:

hi sweetie,
awe man. i know how you feel all too well. im sorry you are physically sick.. i am too, and a lot of it comes from my emotional unstable life.. if it’s not one thing it’s another.. i have a bf and everything that supposed to feel like im not alone but i always do. this isn’t a feeling im not used to though. i have felt this way my whole life. i can be surrounded by people and still feel alone..
its really upsetting and it drains you physically, emotionally, mentally… every way possible.
All i can say is do the best you can for yourself… i KNOW its so hard xxxxxxx (big hugs)
what also doesn’t help at least in my situation is that i dont have friends. i have family and stuff but not like girlfriends or anything :/
and weight yeah… i am not happy with my body at all. the last few years i gained some weight like, seriously out of the blue and i dunno why..and no matter what i do i can’t get rid of it… again.. emotional shit…

Remember the world is huge and there ARE a lot of us that feel the same as you and hell, even thinking the same at the same time as you/

(starla)

sucks. suck suck sucks.

Made a mix cd that contains:

bat for lashes

the kills

insane clown posse

metric

puscifer

smashing pumpkins

distillers

the cramps

jennifer rostock.

Art related:

Still having a sale @ $30.00 per piece – this wont last forever so please check it out! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Starlove-Art/267306582103

 

x

we met somewhere, not sure where it was. i remember the feeling of it being real as real as it is to touch myself. i remember how you felt, your touch your laugh smile. we first met talking and you knew who i was the way it always is every time…you took me into a store and bought me a beautiful colorful dress and ordered some kind of italian food. you were supposed to be leaving to go back to california and see your dad but you wanted to stay with me. we went back to your hotel as i held you in my arms and you held me in yours as fragile as as newborn. my heart alive and happy but still aching from the past. i told you stories of how i tried to find you and all the things i had done in the past that had to do with you.  i remember getting back to your hotel and you had to pee and you did it right in front of me, it was so cute and natural. then i had to pee. we changed and we were going back to my hotel so i could pick a few things up before we went on the plane.. which im guessing i was going with you to california. there was so much talking, hidden smiles and know it all too well glances. i was relieved to have finally found you and you knowing how hard it had been. we discussed the meds i was on and that i felt it was wrong and i never liked them.  you told me not to take them and i worried id be sick. so you said “dont worry baby, i’ll take care of you, i’ll be right there with you” … and then the dread of waking up and wanting to go back THERE. how i miss you so much every time i wake. every dream is the same in that it is so real i can feel it. we are always in the same kind of familiar setting, not quite the way the world is now. why do i have to wake up, when im in such a beautiful place.

I miss you.

 

i want to think like a child again

and really believe what my mind is thinking

the days the clouds roll on by and the nights turn into whispers of laughter

the worries are gone, the mistakes forgotten in candy and paper dolls

the wind howls and no one is home

the room is lacking something i fear, more an arrangement of a new beginning my dear

innocence is such a beautiful thing until you have to find it again

spin spin magic top we’re all visitors here

clutching the palm of our fists as though we were going to explode

masses of religion-government-bomb all fake,”her” plan,”his” plan forced on us every day

it’s no wonder one should break up and say: i miss being a child what wonders we would create, i just have to learn how to be an adult in this fate..

new art! and video :)

Hiya!!

Just wanted to share my new art piece, if anyone even reads this blog! hah.

(see it larger and all my other pieces here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Starlove-Art/267306582103?ref=ts )

And the new art video i made to show some of my art a bit more personally:

Also, un-related, i cut my fringe back in. woot

XOXO STARLA!