x

we met somewhere, not sure where it was. i remember the feeling of it being real as real as it is to touch myself. i remember how you felt, your touch your laugh smile. we first met talking and you knew who i was the way it always is every time…you took me into a store and bought me a beautiful colorful dress and ordered some kind of italian food. you were supposed to be leaving to go back to california and see your dad but you wanted to stay with me. we went back to your hotel as i held you in my arms and you held me in yours as fragile as as newborn. my heart alive and happy but still aching from the past. i told you stories of how i tried to find you and all the things i had done in the past that had to do with you.  i remember getting back to your hotel and you had to pee and you did it right in front of me, it was so cute and natural. then i had to pee. we changed and we were going back to my hotel so i could pick a few things up before we went on the plane.. which im guessing i was going with you to california. there was so much talking, hidden smiles and know it all too well glances. i was relieved to have finally found you and you knowing how hard it had been. we discussed the meds i was on and that i felt it was wrong and i never liked them.  you told me not to take them and i worried id be sick. so you said “dont worry baby, i’ll take care of you, i’ll be right there with you” … and then the dread of waking up and wanting to go back THERE. how i miss you so much every time i wake. every dream is the same in that it is so real i can feel it. we are always in the same kind of familiar setting, not quite the way the world is now. why do i have to wake up, when im in such a beautiful place.

I miss you.